Ever since I was little, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues. I hide it very well but it's always there, whispering in my ear and reminding me of why I'm not good enough. My grandma noticed it at an early age and tried to correct it, or give me the tools to correct it. She bought me this little stuffed monkey that when you squeezed it it whistled at you. I remember, when she gave it to me, she told me to squeeze it every morning to remind myself that I'm beautiful. At the time, I just laughed it off as my grandma being silly. I wonder if that would have fixed it...
I don't really have self-esteem issues about my personality. After Matt, I definitely did but before he came into my life and fucked that up, I never had doubts about who I was as a person. I'm slowly getting myself back to that stage. I've pretty much gotten to the point personality wise where I'm just like, you either like who I am as a person (because I'm a fucking awesome person) or you fuck off.
My problem with my self-esteem that I struggle with DAILY is physically. Growing up as a chubby kid, I never really thought highly of how I looked. To this day, you can call me pretty or gorgeous and I will immediately shut it the fuck down. I know that I'm not horrible looking, I acknowledge that but to call me pretty or anything? That's just not true. I feel awful about how shitty my self esteem is because it absolutely fucks up relationships. It's hard to want to be with someone that needs to be told that you're still attracted to them.
When I look in the mirror. I do not see beautiful. I do not see gorgeous or pretty. I don't even see slightly cute. I see a double chin. I see dark ass circles under my eyes. I see rolls where people like to see flat. No matter how hard I try, I cannot convince myself that I am beautiful. I hate how that person in the mirror looks, and I've just accepted that I'm butt ass ugly. I have tried to change that for so long and I'm not even sure where to begin to make myself feel better about myself?
I looked up ways to improve self-esteem and I might seriously try again. The biggest way to improve is to just be nice to yourself. Ha!! I am the hardest person I know on myself. I'm so nice and understanding with everyone else but I'm so incredibly fucking hard on myself. Maybe just every time I want to think something negative about my appearance, I have to think of something positive about my appearance? Maybe that'll help.
Honestly, everything I'm reading about how to improve your self-esteem is based on not being so damn hard on yourself. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO REWIRE MY PERFECTIONIST BRAIN!!!! If you have any tips, please help lmao.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Baking is BOMB
So, I'm trying to be more regular with my blogs (because sooooo many people read them, HA!). But really it's more for me. Things have been going pretty great with me so not a whole lot to report on. The dude is absolutely amazing. He is sooo much different than my ex. He fucking dotes over me, what is that!?! Job still sucks (of course) but I make bank there though so I can't complain too much.
So, baking. Why is that my title for this post? Because I'm so fuuuucking passionate about it! That is definitely a huge hobby of mine, only made greater by my recent Christmas present. I got this BEAUTIFUL KitchenAid mixer. It's dark blue and it makes everything so much easier to make! Baking has always been a passion of mine. I love how everything about baking comes down to an exact science. If you don't have an ingredient at the right temperature, it could completely change the outcome of your baked good. For example, if you use melted butter for cookies, your cookies will be flatter and misshapen but if you use cool, room temperature butter, your cookies will be uniform and fluffy.
I prefer baking over cooking because cooking can take you hours to cook something that will take you 15 minutes to eat but baking can take you hours to bake something that will take you a week to eat. Not to mention, it is the ultimate comfort food. Who doesn't like some OG chocolate chip cookies? Monsters, that's who! Of course, baked goods aren't exactly healthy for you so it's important to find some skinny "victims" in which you can push your baked goods on. I have a handful of people that get a portion of my baked goods when I've baked a project. It's a win win for both of us. They get free, delicious baked goods and I get to get rid of the temptation!
Since I got my KitchenAid, I've been working on trying out different recipes and fine-tuning my skills. My goal is to be able to bake as a second job on the side. I haven't gone public or anything yet because I want to perfect my skills before I try to push my products on people. I've never done much for decorating before so I've been working on trying to perfect that, along with figuring out the right temperature for the right amount of time. I've also switched to using my Instagram primarily for just baking, look it up: NikkiG126!
Another great benefit of baking is baking bread! There is nothing more satisfying than beating up some dough. Towards the end of my relationship, I was always tense and angry (never stay in a relationship that makes you feel that way). Whenever it got especially bad, I made bread. I would knead and knead the bread until I had worked through my frustrations. Not to mention, all that labor actually leaves you feeling really good about yourself later on.
So, in conclusion. Fuck cooking, it sucks and is a waste of time. Bake if you want to make something actually worthwhile. =P
So, baking. Why is that my title for this post? Because I'm so fuuuucking passionate about it! That is definitely a huge hobby of mine, only made greater by my recent Christmas present. I got this BEAUTIFUL KitchenAid mixer. It's dark blue and it makes everything so much easier to make! Baking has always been a passion of mine. I love how everything about baking comes down to an exact science. If you don't have an ingredient at the right temperature, it could completely change the outcome of your baked good. For example, if you use melted butter for cookies, your cookies will be flatter and misshapen but if you use cool, room temperature butter, your cookies will be uniform and fluffy.
I prefer baking over cooking because cooking can take you hours to cook something that will take you 15 minutes to eat but baking can take you hours to bake something that will take you a week to eat. Not to mention, it is the ultimate comfort food. Who doesn't like some OG chocolate chip cookies? Monsters, that's who! Of course, baked goods aren't exactly healthy for you so it's important to find some skinny "victims" in which you can push your baked goods on. I have a handful of people that get a portion of my baked goods when I've baked a project. It's a win win for both of us. They get free, delicious baked goods and I get to get rid of the temptation!
Since I got my KitchenAid, I've been working on trying out different recipes and fine-tuning my skills. My goal is to be able to bake as a second job on the side. I haven't gone public or anything yet because I want to perfect my skills before I try to push my products on people. I've never done much for decorating before so I've been working on trying to perfect that, along with figuring out the right temperature for the right amount of time. I've also switched to using my Instagram primarily for just baking, look it up: NikkiG126!
Another great benefit of baking is baking bread! There is nothing more satisfying than beating up some dough. Towards the end of my relationship, I was always tense and angry (never stay in a relationship that makes you feel that way). Whenever it got especially bad, I made bread. I would knead and knead the bread until I had worked through my frustrations. Not to mention, all that labor actually leaves you feeling really good about yourself later on.
So, in conclusion. Fuck cooking, it sucks and is a waste of time. Bake if you want to make something actually worthwhile. =P
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Emotional Intensity Disorder: Here's to the Crazy Ones
In my past blogs, I've talked about how I think I might have emotional intensity disorder (not diagnosed, probably should get on that). Lately, my emotions have been all over the fucking place and I decided to finally do a little bit more research on it. And holy mother of god, do I ever have it. I was reading this article regarding the disorder: https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/emotional-intensity.
So, according to this website, there are five things that make up an emotional intensity disorder. The first is that you feel emotions incredibly deep and complex. This is sometimes both a good and a bad thing. Good because when you're happy you're REALLY happy, we're talking cloud 11 you're so damn happy. But when you're sad, it's like this completely soul crushing sadness. You just seem to feel every single emotion to your core.
The second is that you have a deep empathy and sensitivity. This means that you feed off other's emotions and reflect them on your own. It's easy to become the emotional dumping ground for people because you catch it all from them. You feed off them. I've found that this isn't exactly the best thing because toxic people can drag empathetic people down into their hole and, because we feel everything so deeply, you can have a hard time breaking free from their emotional suffocation. I.e. the entire two years I was with my ex.
Thirdly, someone with this disorder is very sensitive to how people are beyond their words/actions. It means you pick up on their emotions by their facial expressions (or at least this is my take on it). It means that peoples actions can bother you to the point of almost obsession. I honestly don't think I have this issue so much? Idk. I am stupid sensitive about how people react to what I've said/done but I guess honestly, I always thought that was because of my anxiety. Maybe, it's because of this damn disorder instead?
Fourth, you have a hunger for learning new things and challenging yourself. You can let yourself be completely absorbed by the current book or song. This all sounds great but right along with that comes the perfectionist or the self-critics. With myself, I go completely nuts on new idea or new projects that I've thought up and I obsess about it. Baking has been one of the longest lasting passions that I've had. I absolutely love baking and all that it takes. But I am definitely way too much of a perfectionist. And, if I cannot perfect a skill, I get incredibly frustrated and down on myself. I actually had a teacher notice this in me years ago in math, one of my least favorite subjects. She pulled me out of the room and told me that if I don't understand something right away, I seem to shut down completely and lose all patience. I've had to learn to work with that. I've learned that the most I can do is just keep trying until I get it down. Crocheting has been the bane of my existence thus far because of this as well. I can't seem to master it and no matter how much I try, I'm not getting it down perfect. But I know that I just need to take some time to meet with an experienced person and let them show me what to do different.
Lastly, a person with this disorder tends to focus on the big stuff in life. You feel like you never have enough time to get done what you need to do and it crushes you because you feel like you aren't measuring up to your full potential. I felt this one to my goddamn core!!! In recent years, I've learned that I'm becoming a lot more like my father than I care to admit. I can't just sit anymore, not if I know there is stuff that I would be better at spending my time on. It's super productive that's for sure. But it also can be really exhausting and maddening.
So, all those things together tell me that I'm crazy af, right? I guess it just means that I'm a stupid intense person and I need to figure out an outlet to channel all this. My dude actually explained a little to me last night about this. He said that I start off my day with this cup. As I go throughout my day, I'm putting a little bit of everyone's emotions into that cup, along with what I've been through myself throughout the day. This made even more so by working at a job that handles peoples' money, people call when they can't use their cards and you can only imagine how they are feeling. By the end of the day, my "cup of emotions" is full to the brim and I need to figure out where to dump it.
So, I feel like the only way to keep this thing in check is to find a dumping ground or outlet for all these emotions. Maybe meditation is the key to this? Pushing all the emotions from the day right out my brain and focusing on the good of the day? Maybe I can work on that while I'm driving home from work at the end of the day? Letting all of my frustrations go out the window so when I get home, I'm ready to relax and enjoy my time away from work? Another possibility is moving my workouts to the night so I can pump out my frustrations/angst into my body. Working out was my safe haven when my ex and I broke up. It brought me from tense to relaxed. It's not ideal with how late I get off work but it is definitely doable. I could go work out for an hour and go home and eat and chill the rest of the night. I've also found that writing or blogging helps me organize all this SHIT in my brain.
I'm not sure exactly what to do with this. But I think without a doubt I do have this disorder. I'll update on what outlet I've found that works best for me.
So, according to this website, there are five things that make up an emotional intensity disorder. The first is that you feel emotions incredibly deep and complex. This is sometimes both a good and a bad thing. Good because when you're happy you're REALLY happy, we're talking cloud 11 you're so damn happy. But when you're sad, it's like this completely soul crushing sadness. You just seem to feel every single emotion to your core.
The second is that you have a deep empathy and sensitivity. This means that you feed off other's emotions and reflect them on your own. It's easy to become the emotional dumping ground for people because you catch it all from them. You feed off them. I've found that this isn't exactly the best thing because toxic people can drag empathetic people down into their hole and, because we feel everything so deeply, you can have a hard time breaking free from their emotional suffocation. I.e. the entire two years I was with my ex.
Thirdly, someone with this disorder is very sensitive to how people are beyond their words/actions. It means you pick up on their emotions by their facial expressions (or at least this is my take on it). It means that peoples actions can bother you to the point of almost obsession. I honestly don't think I have this issue so much? Idk. I am stupid sensitive about how people react to what I've said/done but I guess honestly, I always thought that was because of my anxiety. Maybe, it's because of this damn disorder instead?
Fourth, you have a hunger for learning new things and challenging yourself. You can let yourself be completely absorbed by the current book or song. This all sounds great but right along with that comes the perfectionist or the self-critics. With myself, I go completely nuts on new idea or new projects that I've thought up and I obsess about it. Baking has been one of the longest lasting passions that I've had. I absolutely love baking and all that it takes. But I am definitely way too much of a perfectionist. And, if I cannot perfect a skill, I get incredibly frustrated and down on myself. I actually had a teacher notice this in me years ago in math, one of my least favorite subjects. She pulled me out of the room and told me that if I don't understand something right away, I seem to shut down completely and lose all patience. I've had to learn to work with that. I've learned that the most I can do is just keep trying until I get it down. Crocheting has been the bane of my existence thus far because of this as well. I can't seem to master it and no matter how much I try, I'm not getting it down perfect. But I know that I just need to take some time to meet with an experienced person and let them show me what to do different.
Lastly, a person with this disorder tends to focus on the big stuff in life. You feel like you never have enough time to get done what you need to do and it crushes you because you feel like you aren't measuring up to your full potential. I felt this one to my goddamn core!!! In recent years, I've learned that I'm becoming a lot more like my father than I care to admit. I can't just sit anymore, not if I know there is stuff that I would be better at spending my time on. It's super productive that's for sure. But it also can be really exhausting and maddening.
So, all those things together tell me that I'm crazy af, right? I guess it just means that I'm a stupid intense person and I need to figure out an outlet to channel all this. My dude actually explained a little to me last night about this. He said that I start off my day with this cup. As I go throughout my day, I'm putting a little bit of everyone's emotions into that cup, along with what I've been through myself throughout the day. This made even more so by working at a job that handles peoples' money, people call when they can't use their cards and you can only imagine how they are feeling. By the end of the day, my "cup of emotions" is full to the brim and I need to figure out where to dump it.
So, I feel like the only way to keep this thing in check is to find a dumping ground or outlet for all these emotions. Maybe meditation is the key to this? Pushing all the emotions from the day right out my brain and focusing on the good of the day? Maybe I can work on that while I'm driving home from work at the end of the day? Letting all of my frustrations go out the window so when I get home, I'm ready to relax and enjoy my time away from work? Another possibility is moving my workouts to the night so I can pump out my frustrations/angst into my body. Working out was my safe haven when my ex and I broke up. It brought me from tense to relaxed. It's not ideal with how late I get off work but it is definitely doable. I could go work out for an hour and go home and eat and chill the rest of the night. I've also found that writing or blogging helps me organize all this SHIT in my brain.
I'm not sure exactly what to do with this. But I think without a doubt I do have this disorder. I'll update on what outlet I've found that works best for me.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Back in My Groove
I'm back on that working out again bullshit and it feels so damn amazing. I paused after I got back from Ireland and decided to give myself the winter off (who really wants to get up in the cold ass weather and go to the gym, be honest). I was having a really hard time getting the motivation to go back but I was finally able to, and this time it'll be the right way. I bought a waist trainer and I wear that under my hoodie. Talk about SWEAT! I'm sticking to my working out 3 days a week and walking at least 2 days a week!
There is something to be said about how amazing you feel after you've worked out. You can feel weak as shit and go work out and suddenly you feel like you can take on the world. When you push your body to the edge, to the point where you are shaking trying to do one last rep, you feel so empowered. You realize just how strong your body actually is and how much more you can do with it. It also pumps you up for the rest of the day.
I struggle a little with cutting calories and eating healthy though. I've always had a stupid high sweet tooth (thanks dad!). So, I watch what I eat for breakfast and lunch and I feel like that usually gives me decent wiggle room for dinner. But I just need to cut out all the snacking in between. I'm thinking I'll just get some really good nuts or something so if I must snack, at least I'm snacking on shit that is good for me.
I think the biggest reason that I want to continue to work out is because I never want to see my body get to where it was before. I was pushing 375 lbs (how gross is that)! I let myself go so much that small activities were hard for me to do. I never want to see my body get that weak again. I want to not worry about breathing too loud after doing the smallest activity. I'm also really liking this guy that I'm seeing and I want to be able to give him the very best part of me. I don't want my weight to restrict us ever. I want him to be hella proud of the woman he is dating and I fully intend to make him that way.
There is something to be said about how amazing you feel after you've worked out. You can feel weak as shit and go work out and suddenly you feel like you can take on the world. When you push your body to the edge, to the point where you are shaking trying to do one last rep, you feel so empowered. You realize just how strong your body actually is and how much more you can do with it. It also pumps you up for the rest of the day.
I struggle a little with cutting calories and eating healthy though. I've always had a stupid high sweet tooth (thanks dad!). So, I watch what I eat for breakfast and lunch and I feel like that usually gives me decent wiggle room for dinner. But I just need to cut out all the snacking in between. I'm thinking I'll just get some really good nuts or something so if I must snack, at least I'm snacking on shit that is good for me.
I think the biggest reason that I want to continue to work out is because I never want to see my body get to where it was before. I was pushing 375 lbs (how gross is that)! I let myself go so much that small activities were hard for me to do. I never want to see my body get that weak again. I want to not worry about breathing too loud after doing the smallest activity. I'm also really liking this guy that I'm seeing and I want to be able to give him the very best part of me. I don't want my weight to restrict us ever. I want him to be hella proud of the woman he is dating and I fully intend to make him that way.
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