Okay, so I'm gonna touch on some of my current problems. WARNING: Too much information definitely included.
A couple months ago, I bought this Diva cup to help me try to save some money/save the environment where I can. If you haven't heard of it, it's this little silicone cup that you fold and insert like you would a tampon. It then spreads out and it supposed to catch all the blood. For a while, it worked out pretty great. I don't bleed a whole lot so I could go all day with it in with no problems. I stopped using tampons completely. Did you know that a tampon lasts on this Earth for 7 freaking years?!
Last month, I started having problems using it. For whatever reason, I couldn't get it to stay in place and I kept leaking all over the place. I was so frustrated because all of my cute-ass undies were getting stained. Because of the leaking, it made taking out the Diva cup incredibly difficult. One night, I went to grab the teeny, tiny nub to pull out the cup and my finger slipped and I FUCKING STABBED MYSELF IN IN MY VAGINA. It was so fucking awful. I soon forgot about it and moved on.
Suddenly, I started having some pretty gnarly discomfort whenever the dude and I would start messing around. It was only right when he put it in, but it was so bad it made me want to kick him away. I finally bucked up and went to the doc for an exam. That was when I found out that I had an actual fucking flap of skin from when I cut myself down there. They said to hold off sex for a couple weeks and gave me medication for BV, bacterial vaginosis. This is basically a chemical imbalance that is the opposite of a yeast infection.
Fast forward to now. We had sex a couple times but the pain is still there. Sooooo I had to tell him that we're going to have to hold off for another couple of weeks. Now, both of us struggle a lot with this because there is a lot of attraction between the two of us. Luckily he is patient as shit and is completely fine with waiting.
Along with the pain though, my lady bits have been suuuper dry and itchy as shit for the last week or so. It's completely maddening and I'm so frustrated with it. I have NEVER had problems with my downstairs being dry, fucking never! Side note: my mom has told me that the ladies in our family have a Lysine diffincy. Lysine is the amino acid that helps prevent cold sores and helps with any type of sores healing. I realized all last week I completely spaced taking any of my morning vitamins. As a matter of fact, I sucked at all my vitamins and stuff last week! So I'm thinking the cut + not taking my lysine is probably why I'm having these problems. But holy. fucking. shit. I am so miserable!
All I can think about now is when TF did my vagina get so goddamn sensitive?! Any irritation used to take like a day to recover. Now I have to wait 7-10 business days before my vagina will decide to do it's job again. It takes so long to fall asleep because I'm constantly itchy. Aaaand I don't get to sleep very long because I wake up from the damn itching, which normally prevents me from falling asleep again.
I feel broken. I feel tired. I feel frustrated. I feel like now that I'm over 25 years old, I have to pay attention to vagi-rules. No washing the lady bits with normal body wash. Gotta let that bitch just rinse and repeat itself. No lotion down there (soooo when your bits are a little dry, suck it tf up). Even fuuucking sex can throw all your shit off. And I'm thinking, do men realize how lucky they actually are?
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
An Open Letter to the Man that Fixed Me and then Broke Me Again
You know who you are. The man that promised me romance and love but gave me the complete opposite. Before you came along, I had pretty severe trust issues from the cheating ex before you. You taught me that I could trust again. I remember how happy I was when I first realized that I actually trusted a man again. The man before you left me pretty broken. But you came in and, at the beginning, you completely swept me off my feet. You were so romantic with your soft touches and patience. There were some things about you that I wasn't completely sure about but none of that mattered because, I found someone that loved me for all of me. But that wasn't actually the case was it? It was actually kind of just a front.
A few months later, you started telling me that different parts of me were "almost deal-breakers." I worried too much and you couldn't deal with that. I talked too much and sometimes I just needed to shut the fuck up. Slowly but surely you took down everything I was once confident about. Before you, my self-esteem issues only dealt with my body image. After you, I had self-esteem issues with my personality and that is so much more fucked up. I found myself apologizing to everyone about everything I said and did. I was scared that other people would look at me the way you looked at me, like I was the dumbest/most annoying person you had ever met. You were so nice to everyone else around you but you treated me like absolute shit. I had no choice but to think that it was all me, that I was the problem. As a matter of fact, whenever things went wrong at parties, you would personally seek me out just to treat me like shit and tell me all that was wrong/fucked up about me. I think you finally started realizing what exactly you were doing to me because you finally released me.
Even after you left me, I still thought it was all on me. I was scared to date anyone else and have them point out everything that was wrong with me. But guess what? I found this guy and he actually loves the things about me that were "almost deal-breakers." He loves that I talk so much because he loves just listening to me talk, and he talks almost as much as I do. He loves that I worry because he loves that I care so much about everyone. I apologize for saying/doing something and he looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me to relax. To him, I'm more than enough. He asks me to text him and let me know when I'm home safe. He wants me to show him how my baked goods are being displayed at parties because he cares that fucking much about me. I won't even get into how much better in bed he is. I think he was my prize after dealing with you.
I want you to know that I will never forget what you did to me, I'm working on the forgiving part. You were a very important lesson. You were the type of relationship that I now know to actively avoid. I don't regret some of our memories together. You did benefit me just a little bit. You taught me to not give a shit about what people thought about me (ironic isn't it). You also taught me to expand my horizons when it came to food and experiences. I want to thank you for letting me go, because you knew that I wouldn't leave you. Thank you for giving me the chance to find someone who appreciated me for me. Now, kindly go fuck yourself.
A few months later, you started telling me that different parts of me were "almost deal-breakers." I worried too much and you couldn't deal with that. I talked too much and sometimes I just needed to shut the fuck up. Slowly but surely you took down everything I was once confident about. Before you, my self-esteem issues only dealt with my body image. After you, I had self-esteem issues with my personality and that is so much more fucked up. I found myself apologizing to everyone about everything I said and did. I was scared that other people would look at me the way you looked at me, like I was the dumbest/most annoying person you had ever met. You were so nice to everyone else around you but you treated me like absolute shit. I had no choice but to think that it was all me, that I was the problem. As a matter of fact, whenever things went wrong at parties, you would personally seek me out just to treat me like shit and tell me all that was wrong/fucked up about me. I think you finally started realizing what exactly you were doing to me because you finally released me.
Even after you left me, I still thought it was all on me. I was scared to date anyone else and have them point out everything that was wrong with me. But guess what? I found this guy and he actually loves the things about me that were "almost deal-breakers." He loves that I talk so much because he loves just listening to me talk, and he talks almost as much as I do. He loves that I worry because he loves that I care so much about everyone. I apologize for saying/doing something and he looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me to relax. To him, I'm more than enough. He asks me to text him and let me know when I'm home safe. He wants me to show him how my baked goods are being displayed at parties because he cares that fucking much about me. I won't even get into how much better in bed he is. I think he was my prize after dealing with you.
I want you to know that I will never forget what you did to me, I'm working on the forgiving part. You were a very important lesson. You were the type of relationship that I now know to actively avoid. I don't regret some of our memories together. You did benefit me just a little bit. You taught me to not give a shit about what people thought about me (ironic isn't it). You also taught me to expand my horizons when it came to food and experiences. I want to thank you for letting me go, because you knew that I wouldn't leave you. Thank you for giving me the chance to find someone who appreciated me for me. Now, kindly go fuck yourself.
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