Ever since I was little, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues. I hide it very well but it's always there, whispering in my ear and reminding me of why I'm not good enough. My grandma noticed it at an early age and tried to correct it, or give me the tools to correct it. She bought me this little stuffed monkey that when you squeezed it it whistled at you. I remember, when she gave it to me, she told me to squeeze it every morning to remind myself that I'm beautiful. At the time, I just laughed it off as my grandma being silly. I wonder if that would have fixed it...
I don't really have self-esteem issues about my personality. After Matt, I definitely did but before he came into my life and fucked that up, I never had doubts about who I was as a person. I'm slowly getting myself back to that stage. I've pretty much gotten to the point personality wise where I'm just like, you either like who I am as a person (because I'm a fucking awesome person) or you fuck off.
My problem with my self-esteem that I struggle with DAILY is physically. Growing up as a chubby kid, I never really thought highly of how I looked. To this day, you can call me pretty or gorgeous and I will immediately shut it the fuck down. I know that I'm not horrible looking, I acknowledge that but to call me pretty or anything? That's just not true. I feel awful about how shitty my self esteem is because it absolutely fucks up relationships. It's hard to want to be with someone that needs to be told that you're still attracted to them.
When I look in the mirror. I do not see beautiful. I do not see gorgeous or pretty. I don't even see slightly cute. I see a double chin. I see dark ass circles under my eyes. I see rolls where people like to see flat. No matter how hard I try, I cannot convince myself that I am beautiful. I hate how that person in the mirror looks, and I've just accepted that I'm butt ass ugly. I have tried to change that for so long and I'm not even sure where to begin to make myself feel better about myself?
I looked up ways to improve self-esteem and I might seriously try again. The biggest way to improve is to just be nice to yourself. Ha!! I am the hardest person I know on myself. I'm so nice and understanding with everyone else but I'm so incredibly fucking hard on myself. Maybe just every time I want to think something negative about my appearance, I have to think of something positive about my appearance? Maybe that'll help.
Honestly, everything I'm reading about how to improve your self-esteem is based on not being so damn hard on yourself. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO REWIRE MY PERFECTIONIST BRAIN!!!! If you have any tips, please help lmao.
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