In my past blogs, I've talked about how I think I might have emotional intensity disorder (not diagnosed, probably should get on that). Lately, my emotions have been all over the fucking place and I decided to finally do a little bit more research on it. And holy mother of god, do I ever have it. I was reading this article regarding the disorder: https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/emotional-intensity.
So, according to this website, there are five things that make up an emotional intensity disorder. The first is that you feel emotions incredibly deep and complex. This is sometimes both a good and a bad thing. Good because when you're happy you're REALLY happy, we're talking cloud 11 you're so damn happy. But when you're sad, it's like this completely soul crushing sadness. You just seem to feel every single emotion to your core.
The second is that you have a deep empathy and sensitivity. This means that you feed off other's emotions and reflect them on your own. It's easy to become the emotional dumping ground for people because you catch it all from them. You feed off them. I've found that this isn't exactly the best thing because toxic people can drag empathetic people down into their hole and, because we feel everything so deeply, you can have a hard time breaking free from their emotional suffocation. I.e. the entire two years I was with my ex.
Thirdly, someone with this disorder is very sensitive to how people are beyond their words/actions. It means you pick up on their emotions by their facial expressions (or at least this is my take on it). It means that peoples actions can bother you to the point of almost obsession. I honestly don't think I have this issue so much? Idk. I am stupid sensitive about how people react to what I've said/done but I guess honestly, I always thought that was because of my anxiety. Maybe, it's because of this damn disorder instead?
Fourth, you have a hunger for learning new things and challenging yourself. You can let yourself be completely absorbed by the current book or song. This all sounds great but right along with that comes the perfectionist or the self-critics. With myself, I go completely nuts on new idea or new projects that I've thought up and I obsess about it. Baking has been one of the longest lasting passions that I've had. I absolutely love baking and all that it takes. But I am definitely way too much of a perfectionist. And, if I cannot perfect a skill, I get incredibly frustrated and down on myself. I actually had a teacher notice this in me years ago in math, one of my least favorite subjects. She pulled me out of the room and told me that if I don't understand something right away, I seem to shut down completely and lose all patience. I've had to learn to work with that. I've learned that the most I can do is just keep trying until I get it down. Crocheting has been the bane of my existence thus far because of this as well. I can't seem to master it and no matter how much I try, I'm not getting it down perfect. But I know that I just need to take some time to meet with an experienced person and let them show me what to do different.
Lastly, a person with this disorder tends to focus on the big stuff in life. You feel like you never have enough time to get done what you need to do and it crushes you because you feel like you aren't measuring up to your full potential. I felt this one to my goddamn core!!! In recent years, I've learned that I'm becoming a lot more like my father than I care to admit. I can't just sit anymore, not if I know there is stuff that I would be better at spending my time on. It's super productive that's for sure. But it also can be really exhausting and maddening.
So, all those things together tell me that I'm crazy af, right? I guess it just means that I'm a stupid intense person and I need to figure out an outlet to channel all this. My dude actually explained a little to me last night about this. He said that I start off my day with this cup. As I go throughout my day, I'm putting a little bit of everyone's emotions into that cup, along with what I've been through myself throughout the day. This made even more so by working at a job that handles peoples' money, people call when they can't use their cards and you can only imagine how they are feeling. By the end of the day, my "cup of emotions" is full to the brim and I need to figure out where to dump it.
So, I feel like the only way to keep this thing in check is to find a dumping ground or outlet for all these emotions. Maybe meditation is the key to this? Pushing all the emotions from the day right out my brain and focusing on the good of the day? Maybe I can work on that while I'm driving home from work at the end of the day? Letting all of my frustrations go out the window so when I get home, I'm ready to relax and enjoy my time away from work? Another possibility is moving my workouts to the night so I can pump out my frustrations/angst into my body. Working out was my safe haven when my ex and I broke up. It brought me from tense to relaxed. It's not ideal with how late I get off work but it is definitely doable. I could go work out for an hour and go home and eat and chill the rest of the night. I've also found that writing or blogging helps me organize all this SHIT in my brain.
I'm not sure exactly what to do with this. But I think without a doubt I do have this disorder. I'll update on what outlet I've found that works best for me.
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